Alone and Fearful

It seems to me that the only way that society deems us successful is by getting a "normal job" like every other person; by sitting behind a desk all day, crying ourselves to sleep because we don't think that our work ethic is enough. Will my work ethic ever be enough? Regardless if I'm sitting behind a desk or not; that shouldn't deem me successful.

You don't have to be sitting all day; you could be out and about on your feet working your butt off to fulfill your goals. But it seems to me that many only see us as fulfilled and successful when we go to school, get a degree, etc. Let me tell you; going to college was not for me (and i didn't realize that until after i graduated).

Graduating with my Associates in Criminal Justice, getting my certificate in Forensic Science, and going above and beyond and getting my Bachelors in Psychology (with a concentration in Forensic Psych btw) destroyed my mentality. I became isolated, I loathed showering, couldn't provide myself with the best nutrition, and felt as if my life was more of a burden rather than being worth something.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to jump in front of a moving vehicle, or drive myself into the ocean but something kept holding me back even through those moments of antagonizing pain. (Speaking passively; for those who do not understand the concept of writing) Coming home made it worse; especially after being told I had to get a job immediately; (unknowingly not understanding that my mental health was at stake). I had just finished 4 years of working my ass off and now i can't even get some time to breathe and take a break. It's Bull.

My body is not meant to be drowning in pain and sorrows; it needs to heal; it needs to work on itself; it needs a break. But it still burdens me to know that I am just some object to people rather than a human being. My body is not subservient to a job that requires me to ruin my inner self. I will not be told that I need to do "this, this and this" when I know what my body and mentality needs. My brain can only take so much at one time.

Sometimes I think that I'm not meant for this world; this society; this country. This world doesn't deserve my generosity; either im usually getting taken advantage of or my heart gets broken within 2 seconds. Guess that's what happens when you're too empathetic with people. Sometimes I feel alone and fearful that I'm not going to make it; or be successful. I never planned to make it this far and now i Feel lost and alone in this strange messed up world. I feel like I have no one but my best friend and myself. Not even my own mother supports me with my goals (It's complicated; as she is supportive to some extent career wise not so much, or when it comes to my appearance; thats a whole nother story).

Sometimes it feels like I have No support; no encouragement to keep going; nothing. My future and what I want mean nothing to her. It's what she wants for me unfortunately. She just wants me to be like everyone else but I know that I'm not like "everyone else". Im different and unique and I want to experience the world. I want to travel. I want to be a photographer. She just doesn't understand that it takes time to work on photos and editing as you don't become successful overnight.

My career path is still a career; it still means something to me. Although I may be alone in this eternal hell of my own mind; music will always be my way to cope.

Motionless in white always said that "Fear is not my fate" and "If you mean it you will make it" and I live by that.

(At least I have music and my best friend to be supportive in what I want to do with my life)

#mywriting #miw #motionlessinwhite #humannature #career #lifestyleblog