Pain and Privilege

Behind these eyes holds a lot of pain

Pain that doesn't go away and just lingers

Like a duck following it's mother

Sometimes all I want to do is punch the pain away; even punch the people that are trying to ruin what's inside of me: a genuine heart.

Life isn't fair and even though it hurts; I don't deserve to get hurt because other idiots can't seem to love themselves. Isn't that why they're always critical of others? Because they don't love who they are?.

But let me ask you this; why take away the one thing that I want most; the one thing that makes me happy? The one thing that makes me laugh and giggle like a school girl chatting with her friends? Wish I could just say keep your hands off em but I know that (we'll call him) "soulful eyes" isn't mine to begin with.

Even if I want "soulful eyes" I probably won't have a chance since "Ms. Lustful" always gets a chance first. Wish I could say Fuck you for having pretty privilege but I can't because apparently what I think doesn't matter or in other words I can't say what I want to say without being shot down for having an opinion when I know it's the truth. As a plus size woman who struggles with even making friends, talking to people; specifically to the guy she likes I can say it's not easy living a good life in this world.

Pretty privilege is a thing that people keep avoiding because they're too scared to talk about it or they just plain avoid it because they don't want to bring it up. Pretty privilege gives you more of a chance (advantage) at dating, jobs, life, etc. But Being plus size you get stereotyped as Lazy, not willing to work, not athletic, turned down from jobs just for the way you look, and more. More like being rejected from a guy you like just for being yourself; which is absolutely terrifying in my eyes. So you tell me based on that information that pretty privilege doesn't exist; because it sure as hell does.

Try being the duff of the group (defined as the designated ugly fat friend; could also mean less popular); yup this is the type of friend that's chosen when someone wants to look good (or popular) or have company doing something that they are too proud or chicken to do alone. Basically the duff is the way for other people to get to the popular person of the friendship.

Try being the one being told you can't join us in having fun because you're the "buzzkill" and see how it feels to be turned down from hanging with friends just because you're not like them. Try always being the last one to always be picked to hang out with just because your pretty friend isn't here and you're the only last person they'll turn to; leaving you being taken advantage of and emotionally abused.

Try being told you're not good enough because you're plus size and the only way to get a guy is by putting on makeup and changing your whole look and in the process of it finding the one with pretty privilege flirting with said guy right in front of you; leaving you with the thought that he would never be into you because you're not her. Try being me and see how hard it is to even talk to someone while being terrified they're just going to reject you.

Rejection; a whole nother story; my emotions have been rejected my whole life. Imagine a little girl just wanting to be loved by her daddy but he tells her to go spend time with her mother instead rather than wanting to spend time with her. Imagine a little girl wanting her daddy by her side when she's sad that the guy she likes doesn't like her back but he's passed out on the couch from smothering himself with beer. Imagine a little girl just wanting to talk to her dad about how she feels emotionally but he neglects all of it and says; you don't care how i feel so why should i care about your emotions; guilt tripping you to feel even worse about yourself. (Mind the fact: he's the parent and he needs to learn how to be a father)

Imagine just being a little girl and being emotionally abused and angrily yelled at because your dad's a violent drunk who could care less about how you feel. That little girl was me and being rejected from the start by the one person you're supposed to call your dad hurts even more. I can't even call him the word dad without knowing that he couldn't even be one.

But he could barely take care of himself so how could he ever be a father? How could I ever understand how to love someone if I was never taught how to be loved to begin with? That's where the fear of rejection begins.

Now Fast Forward to 2020...

The year I had appendicitis, traveled to take care of my grandmother, came back just to land back in the ER with a ruptured cyst on my ovary, had to move back home from college just because of COVID and then BOOM... one month later my dad passes away.

I'd say the grieving process was complicating because of the relationship we had; it was even harder to thank people for the condolences when they didn't even know the full story behind our relationship. To be honest, I did not feel anything that day (in terms of emotions), moreso I guess I'd say excitement because it was like a whole bag of bricks was lifted off of my shoulders and I didn't have to see him suffer anymore with his disease(s). But I still had to grieve again of the fact that he's not physically around anymore. But it was God's doing to remove him from this world at that time; it was my turn to heal.

I didn't even have anytime to be a college student; just had time to sit in my room on my laptop doing school work; isolated by the walls within the room and metaphorically. It felt like everything was closing in on me because I just had the time to sit there and think about things. Just sitting in that room having that time to sit in my thoughts all day wondering why I was good enough (not even for professors at that time) was annoying and somewhat painful.

Fast Forward 2 years later...

2022; I finally found someone that made me happy and good enough, and what happens; the fear of rejection sits in my thoughts; making me think that someone better than me could have a better chance than I ever could with the guy I had liked at the time.

I eventually got over him and moved on because it wasn't just the ideas of pretty privilege that hurt but the fact that I was taken advantage of for my work ethic and I only mattered to him when I had my camera around. I was like a pile of dirt when I didn't have my camera; just another girl in the crowd to him.

It just seems like whenever I become happy something comes along and tries to ruin my happiness: which goes back to the idea of why is it that the one thing that I want gets to be taken away from me. Everytime with the said person(s) that like to take things away from me or just because I'm too nice. I just wish that punching people in the face was legal for a day (LMAO). Then it's just another continuous cycle of being sad again and not getting to have one good thing in my life.

I think I'm going to stick to my imaginary boyfriend for a while because at least I can't get hurt up there in my imagination and I can just focus on myself at the moment. Plus imaginary relationships are so much better than real life relationships. I'm Imaginarily taken. Sorry to anyone else whose interested but my heart has been taken by the person below. *Cue the Austin Butler Gif*